Marijuana and me

This text is troublesome to write down. It is an admission that I failed. And it is not like I failed as soon as, however failed repeatedly over the course of a number of years. And it is not that I actually failed failed, you recognize. It is that I failed myself. I didn’t reside as much as my very own expectations.

However I am getting forward of myself. Let me begin firstly.

Goody Two-Sneakers

I grew up Mormon. Amongst different issues, this meant that no one in my household consumed leisure medicine of any sort. Mormons have a strict prohibition towards such indulgences. And, as most people know, they even take their stricture towards “sturdy drink” to imply that caffeine is forbidden.

So, my mother and father did not drink alcohol or espresso. They did not smoke cigarettes. They did not do something that led to altered states. Hell, my father even hated tv as a result of he thought-about it a “plug-in drug”. For a lot of my childhood, we did not have a TV. Once we did have a TV, entry was typically restricted.

My mother and father left the Mormon church after I was a freshman in highschool. We returned to the native Mennonite congregation during which my father was raised. Mennonites aren’t fairly so restrictive with mind-altering substance as Mormons are — they love their espresso! — however they’re shut.

In highschool, I used to be by no means tempted by alcohol. I had mates who would drink, but it surely by no means appealed to me. Plus, it was towards the foundations.

Additionally in highschool, I had mates who found marijuana. Whereas I used to be ambivalent about booze, I used to be actively against pot. I believed it was evil. Plus, it was unlawful. As a rule follower, there was no approach I might contact the stuff. And after I was with mates who did get stoned, I would learn them the riot act. (I as soon as chewed out my finest buddy Sparky as a result of he had the gall to get stoned whereas we have been ready in line to purchase tickets for a Tears for Fears live performance.)

Basically, I began life as a Goody Two-Sneakers. I refused to do something unlawful or immoral, and I condemned others for selecting something that I would not select. I used to be a self-righteous younger man who could not see that there is no single Proper Reply to life.

Good day, Faculty

Faculty opened my eyes. I used to be uncovered to a whole bunch of different sensible children, most of whom had radically totally different backgrounds from my very own. They believed various things than I did and so they made totally different decisions. As a result of I lived with them and noticed that they have been (largely) good individuals, it was not possible for me to sentence my classmates as evil or immoral. No, they merely had totally different backgrounds which led them to have totally different worldviews.

Most of my mates in school drank alcohol, as an illustration. Our campus was a form of secure haven for underage ingesting, with an specific “do not ask, do not inform” coverage. So, children drank. Loads. I experimented with alcohol a bit too, however I did not just like the stuff so did not drink frequently.

It is in all probability no shock that school is the place I first smoked pot. Marijuana use wasn’t widespread, but it surely wasn’t uncommon both. And the youngsters who used it did not attempt to cover it. By the point my ethical stance towards the stuff had weakened, it was a easy matter to seek out any individual within the dorm who would present me the right way to get stoned.

I smoked pot thrice in school. The primary time was superior. It is nonetheless one in every of my favourite reminiscences. However the different two occasions I smoked the stuff, I used to be unimpressed. I barely bear in mind the incidents. Weed held even much less attraction to me than booze.

As an grownup, marijuana was by no means an choice. For one, it was nonetheless unlawful and I’m nonetheless (largely) a rule follower. Extra to the purpose, my ex-wife was a forensic chemist for the state police. She wasn’t allowed to make use of unlawful medicine or to be round anybody else who was utilizing them. To take action would have price her a profession. She was properly conscious of this, and so was I. Neither of us have been ever remotely tempted.

So it’s that I managed to keep away from marijuana from the time I left school till the time leisure use grew to become authorized within the state of Oregon.

Legalized Marijuana

When Kim and I returned from our 15-month RV journey, Oregon had legalized marijuana. I made a decision to experiment with it.

My expertise with pot began slowly. I had actual issues inhaling the stuff, so I shied away from smoking it and opted as a substitute for edibles. I favored gummies. I additionally favored tinctures I might take underneath my tongue.

The issue with edibles and tinctures, although, is that they have a tendency to have variable onset and variable results. If I eat a gummy at, say, six within the night, it might take wherever from thirty minutes to 3 hours to set in. And when it units in, it might give me a light buzz or it might flip me right into a puddle of pudding on the sofa.

In time, although, I discovered the right way to smoke weed. I additionally discovered which strains gave me a cheerful little excessive (versus sending me to Loopy City). I significantly favored Willy’s Wonder.

In late 2016, after I first started experimenting with pot, I perhaps used it as soon as per week. As a substitute of ingesting on a Friday evening, I would get stoned.

The frequency with which I used pot elevated over time. This occurred for a number of causes.

• First, pot is cheaper than alcohol. It is a lot cheaper, actually. A package deal of ten gummies may cost me $20 (though it is often much less). At one or two gummies per use, that is solely $2 or $4 per night of enjoyable.
• Second, pot has fewer energy than alcohol. If you happen to smoke marijuana, you eat no energy in any respect. Wine and (particularly) beer are filled with energy. So, in idea, utilizing pot is smarter for my waistline. (In actuality, utilizing pot virtually at all times gave me the proverbial “munchies”. My snacking whereas stoned was off the charts!)
• Third, and most significantly, pot helped me sleep. I’ve hassle sleeping. It sucks. However after I take pot I sleep soundly. It is so wonderful!

Due to these three elements — particularly due to the higher sleep — my pot use crept from a few times per week to virtually each single evening. It took a few years to get there, however get there it did.

By the point the pandemic hit, I used to be a day by day marijuana person. If you happen to’ve been studying me for some time, you recognize that this was additionally across the time that my psychological well being issues peaked. (Surprising!)

Stoner J.D.

I’ve at all times struggled with melancholy — that is been current since fifth or sixth grade — however by 2019 I would sunk to new lows. And as 2020 arrived, the melancholy grew to become coupled with anxiousness. Oh, how a lot anxiousness I had! It was dreadful. It prevented me from engaging in even fundamental duties. (Ask Kim how troublesome it was to get me to make a fundamental cellphone name…)

However the worst factor was that I would turn out to be silly. I’ve at all times considered myself as a sensible man, a man who likes to learn and suppose Deep Ideas and have advanced discussions with mates. However I used to be turning into dumber and dumberer, and I might sense it. I actually started to panic as soon as I noticed that I used to be dropping the flexibility to write down a coherent article or essay.

For me, writing is life. Writing is how I course of my ideas and emotions and the world round me. If I can not write, I am crippled. The pot was leaving me wordless and damaged.

However I did not know that the pot was taking away my potential to write down. I did not know that the pot was making it powerful for me to learn. I did not know that the pot was exacerbating my melancholy and inflicting my anxiousness and turning me right into a bitter previous man. I could not see the supply of my issues. All I knew was that this stuff have been occurring, and I hated it. To manage, I acquired stoned. Once more. And getting stoned simply made me extra anxious and silly.

There have been occasions I would go weed-free for some time. These cases typically occurred after I was touring. If I have been headed to Europe for a number of weeks, as an illustration, I would don’t have any entry to marijuana. I used to be wonderful with that. In my head, I did not have an issue with the stuff. Pot was simply one thing I used to sleep and (a few times per week) as an alternative choice to alcohol.

I used to be lacking some apparent indicators that sure, I actually did have an issue. This is an instance.

Throughout my three-week journey to Portugal, Wisconsin, and California in 2019, I had actual hassle at first of the journey. I used to be attending an F.I. chautauqua, which ought to have been enjoyable and thrilling. As a substitute, I struggled mightily. I slept like shit. I couldn’t focus. Worst of all, I used to be irritable. I used to be an asshole. I managed to alienate a few colleagues, which I deeply remorse.

By the point I reached Joshua Tree on the finish of these three weeks, my disposition had improved. However nonetheless I did not understand that sure, I had an issue with pot. That sure, I would skilled withdrawal symptoms in Portugal. That sure, quitting could be one of the best transfer for me.

Nope.

After I returned residence, I resumed taking THC to assist me sleep each evening. In actual fact, I upped my marijuana use as a result of I used to be making an attempt to shed pounds. I sharply curtailed my alcohol consumption and allowed myself to make use of as a lot pot as I wished — particularly as soon as COVID hit a few months later.

I grew to become your stereotypical stoner.

By the Numbers

As most of you recognize, I am a numbers nerd. I like to trace issues in spreadsheets. No shock then that for the previous eighteen months, I have been logging each alcoholic drink I eat and each time I exploit pot.

This has been useful.

As a substitute of guessing at how a lot I drink and the way a lot pot I exploit, the numbers inform me the reality. (It helps that I am utterly sincere with my spreadsheet. It is senseless to “cheat” by placing in false numbers. That will defeat the aim.)

I started this spreadsheet as a result of I wished to doc my issues with alcohol. As a substitute, I discovered myself extra involved with my marijuana use. Sure, the numbers confirmed that I ought to scale back my alcohol consumption, however my ingesting actually wasn’t too far out of line with advisable tips. My pot use was.

I took 265 doses of marijuana throughout 2021 — then an identical quantity throughout the first half of this 12 months. And people doses grew stronger and stronger with time. After I smoked, I took deeper hits. After I consumed edibles, I took extra of them.

Then, about two months in the past, I ended utilizing marijuana. This wasn’t deliberate at first. It simply occurred.

In the course of the day, I used to be performing heavy bodily labor as I landscaped the entrance yard. This bodily exertion made it straightforward to go to sleep at evening. Plus, within the night Kim and I have been ingesting extra beer as heat climate set in. These two elements led to a streak of ten days throughout which I did not use pot in any respect.

I prolonged this streak when Kim and I flew to go to her mom in Colorado. I had no pot with me, so I wasn’t tempted. By the point we returned residence, I would seen one thing attention-grabbing: I felt nice. For the primary time in a very long time, I felt clear-headed. I felt motivated. I felt like my previous self once more.

“Do you suppose I really feel good as a result of two weeks has been sufficient time for the THC to go away my system?” I requested Kim. (THC is the lively chemical in marijuana, the stuff that will get you “excessive”. It lingers within the bloodstream, which results in residual results even when you have not used it for some time.)

“Possibly,” she mentioned. “In all probability. It is best to maintain testing it.” So I did.

Two weeks with out pot became three weeks with out pot. That became 4 weeks. Then 5 after which six. It is now been almost two months since I used marijuana. At this level, I really feel assured concluding that the marijuana was inflicting a lot of my issues. Not all of my issues, in fact, however a lot of them.

I final used marijuana on Independence Day. Since then, my temper has improved remarkably. My fragile psychological well being appears to be regaining stability. I have been vastly extra productive previously two months than at another level since coming back from the RV journey. I’ve turn out to be extra sociable. I am studying extra and making extra long-term plans. I am writing a ton. The one factor that is actually suffered has been my sleep. (Marijuana certain helps me sleep!)

Marijuana Is Not My Buddy

Look, I am not anti-pot.

I am not right here to sentence marijuana use for society at massive. I am right here to sentence marijuana use for me.

However here is the factor. Whereas I help your potential to decide on marijuana, I now not need to select it for myself. I’ve seen first-hand simply how profound an impact it may possibly have on an individual. Every day that passes since my final use, my thoughts boggles at how a lot happier and extra productive I’ve turn out to be.

Once more, that is true for me. It may not be true for others, together with you. If utilizing pot helps you, incredible. Puff away. It did not assist me — even after I thought it was doing so. I had, primarily, allowed myself to turn out to be the stereotypical high-school stoner: lazy, unmotivated, nonchalant, apathetic. This led to deep self-recrimination…then additional pot use.

It feels superior to be my previous self once more. This summer season, I’ve really loved rediscovering the right way to learn books and the right way to write lengthy articles like this one. I am impressed by my potential to have some troublesome (however much-needed) conversations, conversations that in some circumstances I’ve delay for years on account of marijuana-enhanced anxiousness.

I am not saying that every one of my issues have magically disappeared. I am nonetheless simply as tousled as the subsequent particular person. However no less than proper now, I am not including gasoline to the fireplace. I have not shackled myself within the chains of THC. I am granting myself the flexibility to work my approach via a few of my points as a substitute of accelerating the burden with weed.

Subsequent up? Alcohol.

After I determined to surrender pot in July, I gave myself permission to drink what I wished for some time. Nicely, it has been some time. It is time for me to chop again on the booze once more.

A Troublesome Day

Right this moment was powerful. Kim and I reached the troublesome choice to euthanize Mother’s cat. We fostered Bonnie in January when Mother moved to reminiscence care, and it has been one lengthy, expensive, flea-infested journey.

Earlier than taking her to the vet, nevertheless, I drove ninety minutes north to present Mother and Bonnie some last time collectively. For almost an hour, they melted into one. They have been each so, so pleased. Then I drove ninety minutes again to Corvallis and sat with Bonnie till she had crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Now, as we close to bedtime, I am agitated and conscious. I do know from expertise that it is a dangerous mixture. The doubtless result’s that I will not be capable to go to sleep. I will toss and switch and my thoughts will spin, however I will be up till midnight or one o’clock — or perhaps even 4.

My regular resolution for this — regular since 2016, anyhow — can be to smoke some weed. After I’m wired at evening, I do know {that a} hit of Willy’s Surprise or Blue Dream will knock me out.

I am not going to do it, although. Sure, I will doubtless be depressing tomorrow on account of lack of sleep. I settle for that. However you recognize what? I would reasonably have one dangerous evening than permit myself to relapse into that darkish and fixed state of self-loathing that is been my norm for the previous six years…